Advice before advice: ...

Advice Is Like Kissing, You Have to Read the Moment

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone is complaining, and your mind quietly goes to work?

..that is how it all STARTS:

“Advice is like kissing; it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do.” Josh Billings

Our mind doesn’t stop at someones complaning words, or lets be more realistic.. our mind even doesn’t hear their words anymore.
It imagines their struggle!
The hesitation!
The moments they can’t articulate!
It builds a story. The situation in detail, filling in the gaps generously.

and..

Before we even know about it, our brain is drafting advice, thinking through solutions, trying to help.
We want to help!!!!!!!!!! Not to be impressive, not to be right, but because something in us recognizes effort and wants to respond with care.
We want to help! There’s something deeply human about this impulse, IMPULSE OF noticing struggle and responding thoughtfully. It is our human strength, it is our human courage and it is so beautifull..

but,
ADVICE 1: “Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” — Paulo Coelho



Here I’m.. me, advices!
Substack open.
Coffee cooling beside me.
The screen glows quietly, I scroll through beautifully written advice.
I have to say, this advice simply feels right. Not in a way that asks me to change my life, but in a way that gently pats me on the back and says, “You get it.” and.. here is my “me” to agree with it, to press the metaphorical heart on that vision. ❤️ and keep scrolling.
The quiet satisfaction is here at the same time, in this moment is one ‘me’ as someone who has briefly understood something important… advice: So well said!

But there is one BIG truth.. THIS IS THE ADVICE I DONT NEED IT!
If someone gives me advice when I really need it, in my brain storming, survival mode.. my brain will immediately launches a full-scale resistance operation: “Nope. That won’t work. That’s not me. That’s ridiculous. Also, coffee first.”

why?
Because for people who are truly struggling, giving advice from others often feels LESS like helping and MORE like preaching.
It’s like explaining gravity to someone already standing on the ground, or shouting common sense louder, hoping volume magically fixes things.
Advice is rarely a bridge. It’s more like tossing a life jacket into a stormy sea and hoping someone actually wants to wear it. And somehow, that’s still one of the most human things we do.


ADVICE 2: “Sometimes the best advice is simply being present.”

People don’t resist change because they lack information. They resist because advice often triggers:

• Threat to identity

• Loss of autonomy

• Shame or defensiveness

When advice feels like “you should”, the brain hears “you’re wrong.”

Research suggests that most people don’t resist advice because it’s wrong — they resist it because it’s not theirs. Advice often fails not at the level of logic, but at the level of ownership.

Giving advice? ADVICE 3: “Ask before you advise. Say less. Mean more.”

Neuroscience says: Advice activates defense, not learning.
When unsolicited advice is given:

• The amygdala activates (threat detection)

• The prefrontal cortex (reasoning, openness) reduces activity

• The brain shifts into self-protection, not growth

So even good advice can backfire. This is known as psychological reactance:

When people feel their freedom is threatened, they do the opposite.

ADVICE 4: “Advice is best when it helps someone think, not when it tells them what to do.”
Presenting options as choices (“you could try X or Y”) is a classic kind of positive framing that tends to engage more autonomous decision processes than directive statements, which can trigger resistance.


ADVICE 5: “Not everyone needs advice—MOST of the people need understanding.”

What actually sticks isn’t being told what to do.
1. It’s recognizing ourself in someone else’s words.
2. It’s seeing our own thoughts reflected back to us — clearer, calmer, and better organized.
3. It is less instruction, more influence.

❌ Advice says: “You should do this.”

✅ Influence sounds like:

• “What do you think is holding you back?”

• “What would change if this worked?”

• “Do you want my perspective?”

One attacks identity. The other invites reflection.

ADVICE 6: Advice doesn’t fail because it’s wrong — it fails because it arrives before safety. But our regulated nervous system can influence someone who is complaining, making them more receptive and less defensive. People need to feel safe, so they can find their answers.

ADVICE 7: Advice often says more about the giver’s state of mind than the receiver’s needs.
Emotion regulation isn’t just personal — it changes social interaction.
Calm, grounded, regulated you.. will listen actively, respond thoughtfully not reactively, and that influences the emotional environment of the other person.

There is a time to provide advice and offer an opinion, and there is a time not to.
Sometimes the value of advice isn’t in acting on it, but in noticing what it reveals about what we’re ready — or not ready — to do.

Was there ever a time when advice truly helped you, or did clarity arrive only after the experience itself? That tension may be the real lesson here — and the quiet truth running through this entire text, advice!

because the truth is..